Cry Baby. Cry.

falling_down_stairs

Today I fell. First time in several weeks. Was sans walker and concentrating on every step. I don’t know how much longer I can do this.

Is this my fucking life? Already on disability and now the Transverse Myelitis?
Living with mom? Waiting to find low income housing with the crack heads and welfare mothers? Trying to find a decent pain management doc, psychiatrist and neurologist?
Mom insisting I stay in rural redneck northern California…. forever.
Tonight she told me she was tired of the constant crying.
Bit my tongue.
I’m tired of the constant living but I get up every day and don’t call a cab to the gun store while screaming ‘Step on it!’. Not a day passes that I don’t want to blow my brains out to end this surreal nightmare.

Did pretty well the first month or so out of the hospital. Did pretty well the three months in the hospital.
Until it sunk in that this was it. The constant wrenching back, leg, ankle and hand pain is forever. The electrical shocks, though much better thanks to the Lyrica, are forever. Being unable to walk in stilettos is forever. Never standing on my tip toes is forever. Never being with a man again is forever.

Two days ago I found an amazing ski program for the disabled (and hopefully disgruntled) at Squaw Valley. It’s a two hour drive each way. It would be possible to race again and the cost is reasonable. Even found a grant available for those with spinal cord injuries (TM qualifies) who are serious about getting into or continuing a specific winter sport.
Mom will not drive me three times a week and I will not even ask. I can no longer drive. Have no idea if that is forever.

Sent mom a link to the following piece instead of speaking. Wish I had written it. Goddamn this writer hit the nail on the head. It isn’t often that I say that. Not because I don’t respect a lot of other’s writer’s work, but because this is something that has affected me for 30 years.. and it will forever.

The 10 Stupidest Things You Can Say To A Depressed Person

I can damn well cry if I want to.
You’d cry too
If it happened to you


Currently Listening To:
O
by Damien Rice
2003 Vector Recordings

~miss b

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6 thoughts on “Cry Baby. Cry.

    • Thank you for reading!
      Took a look at your site and am saddened by your lack of psychiatric and physiological knowledge. You may wish to invest in college courses in biology, chemistry, anatomy, biology and psychology.
      I too am an ordained minister. Which doesn’t mean crap. I am also a Professional Musician, but alas not a Health Coach. Capitalization doesn’t make your made-up career a real one.
      Good luck with your potentially damaging and dangerous happy-group-hug-we-love-depok-chopra-but-science-is-like-you-know-just-too-hard business. I hope you don’t hurt anyone and remember to refer people with a clinical diagnosis, or needing a clinical diagnosis, to an appropriate physician. Or psychologist. Or 12 Step group. Or therapist. Or Weight Watchers.

      I don’t like to pick on people but your comment was made solely in order to sell your services. Do you troll WordPress for tags relating to whatever you’re selling?
      Unfortunately for you… ‘ya reached me.
      Best of luck.

    • Binky! You are my friend, Nothing could ever be better or more meaningful than that 🙂
      Having a MUCH better day today. Saw the Pain Management doc on Thursday and had another med added, which is already helping.
      You know how much better everything feels when the pain isn’t terrible.
      Even had some chocolate mmmmmmmm
      xxx

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