Working on a way to say good-bye

 ~~September 6 2007~~

Summer is over.
The last two nights have been cool enough to sleep under all the covers on my bed. My morning ciggie is enjoyed outside in slippers and robe or sweatshirt, as opposed to the usual pair of shorts, cami and flip-flops.
Damn that was a quick change-over.

Will we still get Hades Level heat here in Reno? Sure.
Growing up in southern California taught me that September is usually a brutal month for heat. The first day of school I always wanted to wear my newest coolest outfit. Of course this entailed sweating your brains out all day because it was a Fall ensemble but the weather was in the 90’s.

Am off to Idyllwild on Sunday morning and will fly into Ontario. From there it’s about a two hour drive through Riverside and up the mountain.
After settling into the guest room at dad’s house and then spending the evening with my daughter I’m in for a slew of fucking tests at the hospital. All of next week the schedule will be Blood-drawing, MRI imaging, Sonogram-O-Rama, Medication roulette and many other Exciting Torturous Experiences.

In the midst of all the doctor’s appointments there will be family to deal with, AA meetings to attend, and everyone I know in Idyllwild asking when I’m moving back ‘home’.

The entire time my mind will be whirring on more important things. Said mind is whirring right now as a matter of fact.
I’ll miss a week in Reno when I could have been finding more work.
There is no money left in savings and when the rent comes due on October 1st I’m going to be either evicted or on the street soon after.
Even though I’ve corresponded with several potential new clients nothing has come through.

So in a dark and sad way I’m hoping that the tests run next week come back with a terminal prognosis but I will not be that lucky.
It’s why I don’t enter casinos.
I’ll cell you a vowel though. You can even buy Tu-mor for free.
Hell it’s all surely benign just troubling, but ohhhh it would solve so many problems. I’d sleep!

doctor: Well Miss Black your biopsy shows no malignant tissue!
me: Can i go home now and go quietly into that good night?
doctor: Nope. Sorry but unfortunately you ARE still bugfuck crazy. Try these New and Improved meds!
me: Do they taste of chocolate?

Oddly on occasion and in adversity come lyrics for my tunes.
Here is what’s left of my keyboards. The upright had to go so I write at the synths now.


—————————————————————
Working on a way to say good-bye

Too tired to keep fighting it
In desert literal to allegorical
Putting on that smiling face
Putting on the Ritz
Dazzle them all Shine

Too long coming is release
Working on a way to say good-bye

Too long coming is release
Working on a way to say good-bye

Who wants remains of a life?
Childhood toys but memories
Of those years are all gone blank
Remembering nothing and I’m sure
There’s a good reason

Too long coming is release
Working on a way to say good-bye

Too long coming is release
Working on a way to say good-bye

Too late to turn it around
Took my chances and took my turn
Running with scissors and looking directly
Into the sun
Now it’s time to go

Too long coming is release
Working on a way to say good-bye

Too long coming is release
Working on a way to say good-bye

Worked a life taking such care
Of the needs and debts of others
Paying my dues ‘long the way
Arriving here lifeless alone
Welcoming the dark

Too long coming is release
Working on a way to say good-bye

Too long coming is release
Working on a way to say good-bye
————————————

i may change this entry to private. i don’t know.
hell i don’t know anything.

except that i am fucking suicidal and laughing at the same time.

isn’t that always the way?

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