check please

 

I’m feeling ready to check out now. It’s just a matter of dropping the key in the slot.

It isn’t something new. It’s been a recurrent consideration for a very long time. I’ve been diagnosed with clinical depression for almost 20 years.

Changes, sobriety, a successful (but stressful) business never completely banished the suicidal ideations. Of course some times were/are better than others. It’s the nature of the beast.

Now I am utterly alone. In May I sent my daughter to live with her father due to her acting out. There is no income or medical insurance to even see a psychiatrist.

Been awaiting a decision on SS Disability for over a year with no end in sight and am unable to hold a job due to this damnable black despair.

There have been changes in medication, a diagnosis of bi-polar disorder, and all of the usual trials and tribulations of life that occur to everyone.

The precipitating factors in this current bout of severe depression are the absence of my daughter and my lover/boyfriend breaking up with me.

I miss my daughter but know that being in this city, with the ‘friends’ she surrounded herself with was a bad situation. Her grades are back up now. She misses me and wants to come home.

She also misses her friends here which presents an insurmountable problem in allowing her to return.

I cannot get over TK. He is the only man I’ve ever met who I consider equal in intelligence, talent and darkness of humor. It took 45 years to meet a man like this and now he is gone to me forever.

The days are filled with weeping.  The nights are no better.

Being a burden on my family, my mother has paid my rent, as I cannot work with the continued unabated depression. Yet more guilt and feelings of worthlessness are engendered by this.

There is no one to talk with. Who the hell wants to hear about the neurotic, despairing feelings and emotions within me? Everyone has problems, and many many people have observable problems so much worse than mine. Do all depressed people think that they sound like damned whiners and so keep quiet to others?

Why don’t logic and rational scientific methodology help? Fuck.

Ask Sylvia Plath, Hemingway, or Kurt Cobain. Ask all of the other thousands of regular people who each year are tired of the pain.

So I started this blog to try and ease the torment and disquiet. It’s the other white meat.

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