Trazadone is not your friend

So yeah.
I had a severe dysphoric, psychotic manic episode 3 nights ago and made a lame-ass suicide attempt. Trazadone: the drug of choice for those with suicidal ideations!
This was after what was a total black-out-wig-out-manic episode. I called 911 and two very nice patrolmen came by and gave me a lift to the hospital.
Once there [...]

The Banana Peel of Death

Some night I’ll drink one too many glasses of wine and take one too many sleeping pills.
Just have a feeling.
Is it suicide then? Not sure. The Magic 8 Ball says Conditions Cloudy. Check Later.
The older I get the more it seems plausible; so many whose deaths were ruled as accidental were really not so. Maybe [...]

The Sharpest Knife

Sharp serrated insidious
Foolish mind and heart
Believed the pain was gone for good
Again I feel it start
The daily choices made by me
Keening call of quiet dark
No one who can listen
Or thinks it’s but a lark
I watched my father leave here
My mind shaded even before
This horror show just added
A new act to the floor
I watched a dearest [...]

Bi-Polar Part Deux!

Fucking meds. Ai.
It’s a feeling of agitation/restlessness combined with an inability to concentrate.
The medication is called Abilify but nowhere does it say Abili-not.
Titrating off the 150mg of Effexor and have one more week at 37.5 before I’m done with it for good. Been on the Effexor (and a plethora of other psychotropics) regimen for [...]

we’re number two

It seems impossible to turn things around and I’m am incapable of seeing even fleeting future happiness.
I find myself drawn to destructive behaviors and fantasies. These momentarily keep the demons away but are never enough.
They’re all short term answers; band-aids on the pain and despair of depression.
I just keep smiling, answering the phone, laughing [...]

check please

 
I’m feeling ready to check out now. It’s just a matter of dropping the key in the slot.
It isn’t something new. It’s been a recurrent consideration for a very long time. I’ve been diagnosed with clinical depression for almost 20 years.
Changes, sobriety, a successful (but stressful) business never completely banished the suicidal ideations. Of [...]