The Banana Peel of Death

Some night I’ll drink one too many glasses of wine and take one too many sleeping pills.
Just have a feeling.
Is it suicide then? Not sure. The Magic 8 Ball says Conditions Cloudy. Check Later.
The older I get the more it seems plausible; so many whose deaths were ruled as accidental were really not so. Maybe [...]

The Sharpest Knife

Sharp serrated insidious
Foolish mind and heart
Believed the pain was gone for good
Again I feel it start
The daily choices made by me
Keening call of quiet dark
No one who can listen
Or thinks it’s but a lark
I watched my father leave here
My mind shaded even before
This horror show just added
A new act to the floor
I watched a dearest [...]

bi-polar in a straight world

So today I spent two hours at the Social Security offices followed by four hours at Washoe County Mental Health.
Decided to try and accomplish two odious tasks in one day.
This is to make up for a serious crash and burn that occurred during the prior 48 hours.
Naturally neither venue provided a satisfactory answer to any [...]

Bi-Polar Part Deux!

Fucking meds. Ai.
It’s a feeling of agitation/restlessness combined with an inability to concentrate.
The medication is called Abilify but nowhere does it say Abili-not.
Titrating off the 150mg of Effexor and have one more week at 37.5 before I’m done with it for good. Been on the Effexor (and a plethora of other psychotropics) regimen for [...]

we’re number two

It seems impossible to turn things around and I’m am incapable of seeing even fleeting future happiness.
I find myself drawn to destructive behaviors and fantasies. These momentarily keep the demons away but are never enough.
They’re all short term answers; band-aids on the pain and despair of depression.
I just keep smiling, answering the phone, laughing [...]

my life as andrew largeman

 
Gah mornings are the worst.
My favorite shrink Ellis once told me this was typical of depression; your average wing-nut doesn’t begin to ‘feel’ any better until late in the day or evening.
Hell, if I knew that I would have kept drinking and at least had a physical reason to feel suicidal, hopeless and worthless after [...]

check please

 
I’m feeling ready to check out now. It’s just a matter of dropping the key in the slot.
It isn’t something new. It’s been a recurrent consideration for a very long time. I’ve been diagnosed with clinical depression for almost 20 years.
Changes, sobriety, a successful (but stressful) business never completely banished the suicidal ideations. Of [...]

Nights Home Alone, Med Trials, and Fucking Mornings

~~September 8 2007~~

I can see seven hot air balloons up in the sky, not too far from here.
All I have to do is tilt my head from this monitor screen to the window. The balloon races are an annual Reno event. Maybe someone will see that poor bastard Fossett. He still hasn’t been found and [...]

last night i dreamed

Last night I danced in my dreams
and it was so delicious and happy
in a beautiful black dress
and my cool-ass Ray-Bans
even though I also saw
the woman in the green dress fall
down
dead
at the staircase top
a brown bottle rolling down the steps.
I was happy that it wasn’t me
that I stopped avoided those stairs.
So why don’t I [...]