It seems impossible to turn things around and I’m am incapable of seeing even fleeting future happiness.
I find myself drawn to destructive behaviors and fantasies. These momentarily keep the demons away but are never enough.
They’re all short term answers; band-aids on the pain and despair of depression.
I just keep smiling, answering the phone, laughing with people and putting on the face of happiness and normality.
This morning I went to the bank to cover a slew of fees that have been accumulating for almost two weeks.
This nightmare began when I used my debit card –without checking the exact balance in my account- and the purchase amount was around $5.00 more than I had at the time.
Of course the charge went through, along with a $30.00 NSF fee. After that it was $5.00 a day, unbeknownst to me.
When I found out I went to the bank with $40.00 to cover what I though the overdraft was… 5+30=40 right?
Nope, by that time the overdraft was up to $85.00
This morning I was at the bank at 9:00 am with a check for $150.00 to finally end this mess.
I thought.
No, now the bank says I am overdrawn $190.00, so with the $150.00 deposit I’m still overdrawn $40.00 and they are going to close my account.
Apparently at 5:00 am my car insurance debit went through for $110.00. The amount is supposed to be $77.00
This leaves me with zero money, a pile of laundry I cannot afford to wash, no gas in the truck, and a past due phone/internet bill.
This may be my last post for a while.
Jesus.
I’m so tired of fighting.
Hell this current mess is my own fault. I believed there was enough money in my account when I used that debit card, but I did not actually check.
I am the cause of my problems and no one else.
It’s my fault there’s no money
It’s my fault that my daughter is gone
It’s my fault that TK is gone
It’s not my fault that this fucking disease twists my mind but that is small solace.
I honestly can think of no reason to keep on living.
Not fucking one.
Here are some intriguing stats I found this week:
1. Nevada Is Tied For Second In The Nation In Suicide Rates. Nevada was First until 2002. Alaska kicked our ass though. We’re Number Two!
2. The Suicide Rate in Nevada is almost double the National Average Rate
3. 480 people took their lives in 2004, up 9.7 percent from the previous year. That’s more than the 398 individuals who died in traffic accidents in Nevada that year.
4. In Nevada it’s not Las Vegas, the state’s gambling mecca, that drives the highest suicide rate in the nation. It’s the rural counties.
5. Nevadans die younger and at higher rates of suicide, substance abuse and certain chronic illnesses compared with the rates nationally and in other large counties (per a CDC report)
Seems I’m not the only person ‘round these parts possessed of suicidal thoughts.
Somehow this doesn’t make me feel any better or offer solace.
Please pass the rubber duckie will you?
